Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
