I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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