i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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