wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
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Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
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He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.