mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting