Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.