If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
