ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
