I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
