I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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