I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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