Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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