I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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