I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
