His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
