Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
