My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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