Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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