we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
