This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
that is very illegal...i love you.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
