Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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