Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
