He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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