Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
