my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
