come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
There's always time for handjobs
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
