I showed him my bush... on skype.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
