i need an iv and a liver transplant
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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