Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
