so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
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Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
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If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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