I want to have your abortion
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
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They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
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One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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