im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
