Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
