then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I don't think brook has ever known best
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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