Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
