I cannot find my penis.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
