He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
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there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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