Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
