when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
