Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
