I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The best revenge is premature balding
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
