Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
