well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
