Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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