I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
