They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
