if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
