don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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