Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
