cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
