I have demons in me.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
