I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Randomize
