my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just found puke in my bra..
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
