Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
