She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Life is so much better after having sex.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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