No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
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He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
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She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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