It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
