You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
