Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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