i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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