I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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