when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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