god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
