I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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